Ever have those times where everything that you have ever done is just scattered around you? Where you cannot determine whether it happened a few hours ago or many years ago? That is how I feel lately. I have just been getting these intense flashbacks and so many of my old memories have been flooding in.
I remember living in Castroville (or maybe it was Marina) as well as living in Prunedale. I remember when my mother used to work at the Giant Artichoke and there was a New Year's Eve party there and I used a vacuum to clean up the area. I remember the car breaking down on the highway right before turning into the street where my school was located and getting into a van because a concerned parent saw this happening. I remember taking a bus to who-knows-where land in Prunedale to a baby-sitter with my brother and sister but not being allowed inside the house so we spent the whole time outside playing all sorts of various games. I remember numerous excursions to Palm Springs to visit my aunt and my cousin. I remember going to see Planet of the Apes with my father, sister, and brother then the movie shutting down halfway through then starting it over to watch it again. Then there is still a slight gap but not a huge chunk missing.
However, it is all coming too quickly for me to even process. I cannot focus on anything for too long. My mind gets easily preoccupied and I zone out so frequently. I could be looking somebody in the eye and they would be talking to me and I would have no idea what they were saying. I am getting everything that is happening now all jumbled up with what has happened many years ago. Which is totally impeding upon the progress of memorizing anything right now. I am just becoming far too overloaded with these memories but it is nice that I am able to have them back. Although at other times, especially at a time like this, I just wish there was an "Alt Ctrl Del" option in my brain where I just shut it down completely. Shut down the memories that is. Alas alack there is no such option and for now I must suffer as all humans do.
*AHEM* [repeated statement that you should talk to a therapist or Lara because they can help you deal and process much better than you by yourself can... for that matter, I know Mother would listen and love too.]
ReplyDeleteOther than that... I'm sorry; I know this is hard; and I think when you've processed and worked through stuff you'll be a trillion times better than you are right now, which will be unimaginably fantastic cuz you're already pretty awesome. <3
It is a bit too hard for me to fully articulate what I am trying to convey through speech, or even writing for that matter. Although that would probably be all the better reason for me to do it. So that I would be better at conveying what I am trying to say.
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